Selfish
by chaosandcreationinthebackyard
Summary: An AU where Dean is a girl How was she treated by John growing up? How is her relationship with Sam? When tragedy strikes, will she be able to put aside her differences and learn to hunt? Rated for crude language and violence


Half expecting something weird and furry to fly into my face, I gingerly lift the lid off the parcel I just received. Inside the large cardboard box is a large assortment of colourful books of all shapes and sizes, on top, a letter. I pick the slightly crumpled letter up and glance over the letter. The handwriting is messy and large, I'm assuming it belongs to Bobby, no one else would send me anything.

Dear Dea:

I found these in my attic, thought you might want to have them back. You should give your brother a call, I'm sure he's wondering how you've been.

Ellen, Jo and I miss you. Come visit us soon?

Love Bobby

I smile sadly at the ending. I miss Ellen, Jo and Bobby too. They have been a better family than my real family has for my whole life. It's been a while since I've seen them, I only visited them once since I "ran off" to college, which was several years ago. I push those thoughts to the side and put the note down. I sit down in front of the box and pull out the first book. It's small and blue. I open the book and observe the messy, orange handwriting consuming the first page.

dear diary

Merry Christmas! were at bobbys again this year ellen and jo are here to i sure wish me and jo were sisters that would be awesome i wish dad was here but hes out hunting again

i have to go my stupid brother is crying and being annoying

I laugh at the end. I remember that Christmas. Jo and I had played together all night, stealing Christmas crackers and stuffing ourselves with turkey and cake. I had woken up at the crack of dawn to see what Santa brought me, dragging half asleep Jo behind me. That was the first Christmas I spent with them but certainly not the last. I smile at the memory and turn to the next page.

dear diary

sorry i left for so long i was on the road with dad

he drives a chevy impala. its such a great car maybe he will let me drive it one day

guess what! Its my birthday today! im 7 today! dads been gone all week but im sure hell be back today its my birthday. hes never missed one before

ellen and jo came over for my birthday

bobby gave me a book called harry potter and ellen and jo gave me a pretty dress for my birthday its green and jo told me it matches my eyes. jo is my best friend and sometimes we pretend were sisters

i have to go again ellen made me me her burgers

ellen makes the best burgers! she made me cake too!

dad will be here any time now

My smile fades. Dad never did show up that year and I spent my seventh birthday crying myself to sleep. Jo had tried to comfort me but I told her to go away. When dad finally did show up, Bobby had yelled at him, told him he was being a bad dad. That was the last time dad left us at Bobby's house during a hunt. I thumbed through the rest of the diary but it was filled with bad drawings of me and Jo and the Impala. I placed that to the side and grabbed the next one.

Dad left us in a town in the middle of nowhere again. He left enough money to buy food for about two weeks and he signed me up at Babb High School. Babb. What kind of a weird name is that? I think we're in Monata somewhere. I have my first day of grade 9 tomorrow and it's not even at a proper school. I won't have enough time to make friends or anything. I hate this. I just want to stay. Stay anywhere. Even Babb. I want to settle down, to live in a house with a dad, a mom and a dog. I'll even keep my brother if I can have a mom. I am seriously getting tired of all this "hunting" shit dad is so obsessed with.

Well time to go to _Babb_ _high_

Ugh

I can't help laughing at my 13 year old self and the bubbly writing I remember loving so much. I flip to the next page.

Babb high isn't so bad.

I have a really cool Science teacher. His writing sucks though and all he _does_ is write on the whiteboard. I still pay attention though. I want to do well in school. We've been here for three days already. Thank _god _I'm good at cooking my brother whines about everything my dad makes but he doesn't mind me cooking, even if we have the same thing nearly every day.

Now on to something more interesting than my brother… There's this really cute guy in my english class. I don't know his name but he seems really sweet.

I wrack my brains trying to see if I ever did find out his name, to no avail. I don't even remember his face. There are two more entries in this one.

It's been more than two weeks, dad still isn't back. I let Sammy have the food, he's younger, still growing. He needs all the food he can get. I can't help being hungry though. Scratch that, starving. Sometimes I wish I didn't belong to this family. Sometimes I wish I wasn't born a girl. Maybe then dad would treat my like he treats Sam. I swear, if dad doesn't come home soon, I'm going to have to do something drastic to get food, we can't live off of leftovers forever.

I remember this. It was the first time I had to keep myself from eating so Sam could get enough food. I also remember that dad came home a full three days later.

Dad finally came home. We're driving to the next hunt now. I still haven't eaten. I asked dad to get me some food but he said we'd stop in the morning. I hate him sometimes. I almost wish I had died of starvation so he would see how awful he is.

Oh yeah and the boy in my english class is named Richard. He asked my to go to the dance. I said yes. The dance is happening now. He's probably wondering why i stood him up.

It's so unfair. I want to stay.

I hate dad. Sometimes, I hate Sam too.

The last couple words were blurred, by tears, no doubt. I had had a temper tantrum that night. Dad very nearly left me on the side of the highway. Reading these make me think bitterly of my father and brother. I pick up the next last diary sized book in there, the rest were old school notes and textbooks.

Happy fucking birthday Sammy

Sam just turned 11 and dad's taking Sam with him on a hunt. He's actually taking him on a fucking hunt. Sam's 11 and dad's letting him go against ghosts and demons and shit and I get to stay alone in a shitty motel and go to school like the perfect daughter.

This is absolute bullshit. Dad's been teaching Sam how to exorcise demons and how to fight and use a gun, I just thought it was because Sam is a boy. Maybe dad likes Sam better than me. I'm four years older than him and much more capable of taking care of myself and I guess in a way, I am taking care of myself, just not the way I want. I've always tried to not let Sam being allowed to learn to fight get in the way of our relationship but I don't know how much longer I can take this. Maybe if I can maintain my grades and graduate, I can go to college and leave them behind.

I chuckle bitterly at that. I guess that's when I decided to leave and not look back. I can't help mentally encouraging my younger self, no matter how crazy that sounds. I never did regret leaving.

I hate them both.

I _hate_ them.

They come back all smiley and buddy, buddy and shit, like they just spent the weekend fishing, not blowing a demon's brains out. Sam started telling me all about his first hunt and how it went _just swimmingly_, little shit. I couldn't even go hide in my room because SURPRISE I get to take the floor at the motel because Sam "worked so hard" and "did such a good job." Lovely.

Just fucking lovely

Only two years until grad.

The next entrance appears to be several years later.

I graduated with "flying colours."

Thank god

I am _so_ out of here.

I got accepted to UCSF School of Medicine in California. I'm leaving as soon as I can. I am _not _ looking forward to telling dad. He doesn't even know I applied. Apparently you don't need college to be a hunter. Funny story… I'm not going to be a fucking hunter, I never was. I don't know who he was kidding when he told me I was going to be a hunter. That was never his plan. I was supposed to be some kind of "support team" or something for when they get back from a hunt. Well fuck them.

Good luck keeping me here dad.

Maybe I can start again. I finally have the chance to have a normal life.

I chuckle slightly remembering how long it took me to tell my dad.

Well it took me a year to tell dad. It wasn't pretty. At. All. We had a huge fight. Huge is an understatement. I ended up packing my bags and storming out. Sam looked so betrayed when I walked out. Funny, I can't quite seem to care.

I'm on the plane to California now. We should be arriving in an hour. I have no idea what to expect. I don't talk to dad and mom's dead. I want to talk to Bobby but I know he'll tell dad. I don't want dad to know I'm _scared. _

Thinking back, Bobby wouldn't have told dad. He would have supported me, hell, maybe he would have flown out just to be there, just like my graduation. I should really give Bobby a call, if not just to thank him for my stuff. There's one last entry.

I'm visiting Bobby over Christmas. Ellen and Jo came out too. Jo's doing well. She's helping her mom out at the roadhouse. It was really good catching up with her, I hadn't realized how much I missed her. During Christmas dinner, I realized that I didn't miss dad or Sam the slightest bit. This was all the family I need. As Bobby says, "Family don't end in blood." I miss Cris though. Cris is my boyfriend, we've been together for a year. He's really great. Sweet, charming, polite, funny…

I've decided to leave all my diaries at Bobby's so this will be the last entry. Merry Christmas!

I close the book slowly and put it back in the box. I do the same with all the others and stand up. I stretch and check the time. 11:50. I had been reading for a full hour. That's when I hear the knock on my door.

"Shit" I say aloud. I completely forgot that Cris was coming over to make lunch with me. I'm still in my pajamas and I haven't brushed my hair or teeth.

"Just a minute!" I call out the door, hastily pulling on a pair of jeans and running a brush through my hair. I pull my shirt over my head, realising too late that my head was in the arm hole. I hop around my living room, blind, before tripping over my coffee table and landing hard on the ground with a large crash.

The door opens revealing a very concerned Cris, his brown eyes, wide.

"Are you alright?" He asks, alarmed. I manage to pull my head through the arm hole and I shoot him a smile.

"Super duper." I giggle.

"Do you need some help?" He starts laughing at me.

"That would be great!" He starts walking over to me and very quickly pulls his phone out and snaps a picture.

"You suck." I pout

"Yeah, but you love me." He grins cheesily.

"Mhm." My cheesy grin rivals that of his own. He puts his phone away and pulls me to my feet.

"Okay I'm going to try and pull your huge head out of the arm hole." I nod at him to continue. He puts both hands on either side of the arm hole and pulls. I start leaning backwards.

"It's not working." He grunts. All of the sudden my head pops out and we both fall to the ground, my shirt staying in Cris' hands.

"Ow," I moan. I pull myself to my feet and rub my butt. Cris does the same and hands me my shirt.

"Thanks, babe" I pull my shirt over my head and walk over to him. I wrap my arms over his shoulders and go onto my tippy toes to reach his lips. He chuckles at me.

"Shortie," He teases before leaning his head down to make our lips meet.

I pull away first, making him groan in displeasure.

"Lunch." I remind him, giggling.

"Fine." He whines. I shake my head at him.

"You are such a baby." I lead the way to the kitchen. Opening the cupboards.

"What'll it be?" I ask him.

"Hmm how 'bout salad?" He asks, knowing the response all too well.

"Rabbit food?" I crinkle my nose in distaste. "How about burgers?"

"Okay Deanna, whatever you want, princess." He says patronizingly.

"Shit I'm out of buns. Why don't I run to the store to get some and you start grilling? I'll only be ten minutes, max." He nods in agreement.

"See ya in ten." I give him a quick peck on the lips, slip into my flip flops, grab my purse and head out the door. I walk quickly to the store, choosing my favourite brand of buns. I pay and leave. I stop in front of my door to check my watch. I open the door.

"Seven minutes!" I sing, placing my purse on the ground by the door. It smells like smoke.

"Cris? Are you burning my house down?" I tease, waiting for him to answer. I swear to god if he jumps out and scares me, I will slap him silly. I walk through my apartment, checking all his usual hiding places before coming to my deck. The curtain has been pulled to cover the door. I yank the curtain back and nearly vomit. There is blood splattered all over the door. I hesitantly pull open the door. Cris, or what remains of Cris, is lying with his head on the barbeque and his guts spilled all over the floor, blood dripping down off my balcony. I scream. There's a chuckle coming from beside me. I whip my head around. There's a man perched on the railing. All of the sudden my blood runs cold. His eyes are black.


End file.
